Some Obscure Sorrow

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As I was cleaning the house, I stumbled upon college brochures to universities I ended up not going to. Meanwhile, the house had erupted in dust, my nose was running up a storm and I sat there wondering what this feeling might be called.

It reminded me of a site called the dictionary of obscure sorrows. True to its name, it includes obscure sorrow after obscure sorrow, from exulansis [n. the tendency to give up trying to talk about an experience because people are unable to relate] to altschmerz [n. weariness with the same old issues that you’ve always had.] Note: completely on empathy-board with the second one, particularly at 3AM as I jotted down: there’s no time elapsing space passing I’m just lying here still paralyzed and wishing–

And I wondered if there was a term for the sense of “would have, could have, should have (didn’t)”. Would have taken this path, could have gone down that road, should have backtracked, but in the end I didn’t. Every second, it seems, we’re veering left-right-and-center onto multiple forks on this road o’ life, making decisions that culminate into this giant knot of now. And now I’m wondering small thoughts like oh, what if I’d gone to this school? Been on this campus? What if, instead of being surrounded by city and lights, I’d been surrounded by, oh, trees and school buses? And maybe I’d have felt different but maybe I’d have felt the same, but I don’t think I’d be the same or that I’d be who I am now.

And I think that’s okay.

Sometimes there’s a voice in my head quoting something I must have read, and it goes: “has it ever occurred to you that maybe you are exactly where are you supposed to be?” Well. Not really. But then again, maybe I am and we all are, y’know, right where we’re supposed to be….

So despite whatever obscure sorrow this has yet to be coined, I look back and like to believe that there’s purpose, if not order. And even though sometimes the world seems to be blowing to shit and we’re huddled in fear and sadness and so much fear I think back to a poem I read and saved when I was 17:

as a reminder

the world is heavy but your bones (just a cubic inch) can hold 19,000 lbs

ounce for ounce
they are stronger than steel

atom for atom
you are more precious than diamond

and stars have died

so that you may live

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17 thoughts on “Some Obscure Sorrow

    • Lu July 10, 2016 / 7:20 pm

      I know, it’s so beautiful! (Also, thanks for reading ^^)

      Like

  1. Sruthi Ranjani July 10, 2016 / 1:27 pm

    Love this post so much!
    I have heard of this dictionary too, there are some really beautiful words for any peculiar feeling one might think of. Thanks for reminding me to take a peek in it!

    Like

    • Lu July 16, 2016 / 4:26 pm

      Thanks for the read + follow! Ooh definitely, I’ll be sure to check out & follow your blog 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Thea July 16, 2016 / 6:47 am

    Reblogged this on xox, althea and commented:
    I JUST HAVE TO REALLY REBLOG THIS. THIS IS SUCH AN AMAZING WORK. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thea July 16, 2016 / 6:47 am

    I have reblogged this. This is soooo good. I love how simple it is but very very personal. It cuts deep in my soul. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lu July 16, 2016 / 4:17 pm

      Hi Thea!! Thank you for your kind words :,) I’m really happy it resonated with you ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Fritz July 24, 2016 / 8:50 pm

    Beautiful writing, comes across as authentic and moving.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lu August 3, 2016 / 2:42 am

      Thank you, Fritz! 🙂

      Like

  5. Accidentally Single July 28, 2016 / 2:30 am

    Indeed we’re all where we’re supposed to be.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. kkrige August 3, 2016 / 12:42 am

    Thanks for checking out my blog Lu. I too can relate to the dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. And also struggle with the whole ‘this is where I am supposed to be?’ idea. It is, but sometimes you just wonder, right?!
    Cheers
    Katherine

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lu August 3, 2016 / 2:46 am

      Agreed, sometimes ya just wonder.. thank you for the read, Katherine!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Lowell Aaron Court December 17, 2016 / 3:27 pm

    Nice article. It resonates with me about former regrets and wanderings. Thanks for visiting my blog too.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. meredift April 3, 2017 / 9:15 pm

    I’m currently 18 and going through the process of choosing courses and universities. A very confusing and difficult thing to do. I’m worried of choosing the wrong thing and such but this post speaks to me a lot. Love the poem so much.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lu April 5, 2017 / 11:05 pm

      Hi! I’m glad that this post resonated with you. Picking courses and universities can be difficult–good luck on everything!

      Liked by 1 person

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