I wish you could break up with friends the way you do romantic partners. So instead of feeling obligated to drag on friendships long past their expiration date, you could say something like: hey, yeah, so you’ve draining and snarky and judgmental all these years. I’m not sure I like being around you, and it’d be real nice if you quit dragging me down. This isn’t working out. I’m finding kinder and stabler people to be in my life. Deuces.
But then that’d start all sorts of shit. And ain’t nobody got time for that.