sr.

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SOFT and blurred and strange like urban carbon decay. i remember

  • that year I skipped the haunted house to instead count lonely days
  • and periods of my life measured by eyeliner type (from chalky to waxy to dark and smudgy)
  • on bad nights I’d tally them up on a sticky note by the light switch that stood by a doodle of a pink cat with an arched back with a perplexed face that asked: why so sad?
  • that my project looked happier than i felt and photos belied my true sentiments and only what i wrote was honest
  • and the things i painted were honest, too, like the black poster-size painting of what loneliness felt like even though I was surrounded by scathing, laughing, faces, faceless faces I’d forget as soon as I turned away
  • it felt like it’d be forever before I ever returned, that the walls were white and it’d be the last night (but not for long)
  • I wished to move forward. I wished to leave. I asked: am I unhappy in the present because I live in the future, or do I live in the future because I am unhappy in the present?
  • both. the present was shitty in the most pleasant way possible, and looking forward was escapism.

in retrospect, i had something (many things) to look forward to, and it’s here and it’s now. god, i know it’s cliche, but if only i could pause life right now, keep things just as they are….life, stay still. you are good, better than good, fingers-crossed things won’t change.

Books to Read

Note to self: read, read, and then read some more. Here are some titles that’ve been tacked on the side of my computer screen for some time with the title, author and cursory description. I’m obnoxiously picky, so they’ve all got ratings of >4 on book-review-thingamajigs. Also, they sounded really interesting:

  • The New Journalism, Tom Wolfe
    • 1973 anthology of journalism
  • Palestine & Footnotes in Gaza, Joe Sacco
    • Journalistic graphic novel about Israel-Palestinian conflict
  • Slouching Towards Bethlehem, Joan DidioImage result for slouching towards bethlehemn
    • Didion’s 1968 collection of essays
  • Stone Butch Blues, Leslie Feinberg
    • Novel on transgenderism
  • The Book of Disquiet, Fernando Pessoa
    • A ‘“factless autobiography”, fragmentary life project
  • Either/Or a Fragment of Life
    • On human development, aesthetic-ethical, consciousness, philosophy
  • Image result for ficcionesQuantum and Lotus, Matthieu Ricard
    • Buddhism meets contemporary science, written in form of dialogue
  • Ficciones, Jorge Luis Borges
    • Collection of short stories
  • The White Album, Joan Didion
    • Didion’s 1979 book of essays
  • Kool Aids: The Art of War, Rabih Alameddine
    • Situated in 80’s, on AIDS epidemic in San Fran, Lebanese civil war